Steps

I'm going to try to blog here again. Hopefully it will work, but if not that is ok too!

So, This post is about steps. Steps I have taken and other steps in my life. I have taken huge steps personally, in that I am now officially a baby catcher! I feel like I worked so hard for this accomplishment, my apprenticeship pushed me to new limits. Somehow though, it just isn't as important to the people I thought it would be. I really don't have a "mother" and maybe by choice. My biological mother and I fell out years ago, gosh, 20 bloody years ago! It was as a result of my parents getting divorced in the end, but that is that. My dad is the one who is usually there for me out of my family. Do you know that I got 2 Congratulations cards and/or acknowledgments in regard to gaining my certification? No, not from any of my side of the family. Yes I am hurt by the fact that I don't think still to this day, nearly 3 months after passing that my own brother has even acknowledged it.

I have a step family. This includes a step mom, and two step brothers. One in AZ and the other in the Army in KY. There is no real blended family if we are all honest. Until 2 yrs ago, we all did what we were expected to do in taking all of our families (minus the AZ) and go to my dad and step-mom's house. After years of getting up at the butt crack of dawn, after staying up who knows how late wrapping (Tom was generally working), making breakfast after present opening, shortly after that, making food to take, getting everyone showered and dressed and out the door for the day. Then we would enter total chaos. The kind that ticks me off and stresses me out. People cussin' in the kitchen cause someone is doing something wrong or in the way, dad or sm yelling at the grandkids for running or being too loud, and me just wanting to find a stiff drink to get through it. The guest usually include my step mom's family and my brother. It got to be the my husband and I just wanted to spend the day at home with our family. Is that too much to ask? Why but of course, it must be.....

Because since that time, in which you would have thought I said I was never seeing them again, we have not celebrated together. The first year was just bitter sadness that things had gone the way they did. Last year, was ok, we ended up seeing them sometime before for some reason and we exchanged gifts then. It's all about the gifts right :) And this year, when I tried to pull something together in plenty of notice, I find out that it probably ain't gonna happen this year either. For decades, we went to my grandmother's house EVERY Xmas Eve. Well due to births and Tom's schedule and then recently disgust, we have not gone there either. My grandmother is a few years from 90, and refuses to realize that she can't do it anymore. Her home is gross, her food is rotten, and of course she is in the kitchen the whole time, and everyone is bitching about her this or that, because she drives everyone crazy. Not worth it. The thing about my family that is becoming obvious is this: I don't think we like each other. We put up with each other because we have to. I want different for my kids. I want a loving environment, one with compassion and respect. Letting go of what isn't there anyway with my family is hard. I'm just so disappointed.

So I am going to try to sort through these feelings and not let it consume me. I only have my kids with me at the holiday's while they are living here for sure, I want to make them sweet. I don't want the next month consumed with hurtful drama. I know some step families work, but in my opinion.....step families suck.